I am collecting some jokes for my friends sister Daloni.  The reason why is on my post for September the 1st  Here’s some I found for today….I thought I might be able to generate a few more on here?  Please add jokes or funnies to the comments 🙂

No collection of jokes  would be complete without the incomparable punster Tim Vine:

Thank you to ‘The Laughing Housewife‘ for the almost inexhaustible supply!

• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…
• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
• Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
• Velcro… what a rip-off.
• You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

• You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
• So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
• I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

• I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
• Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
• You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
• So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ’We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
• Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
• Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
• So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ’It depends where you’re calling from.’
• I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

I’m  raiding all my friends and families ‘funnies’ to collect 25 days worth of  “cheerful, inspiring, funny or apposite poems, stories, reminiscences, photos, cartoons, drawings, short videos” for Daloni

Please add anything that you think might be good for me to use in future posts in the comments below, Thank you 🙂